If I were a Digimon Tamer
by Matt's-Awesome-Too
Summary: As the title suggests, this is what would happen if I was a digimon tamer. I like pie! Meeps! Chapter Preview: What? A plot chapter? What is this witchcraft? New chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

Matt here: I wrote a fucking digimon story, fuck yeah! I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt... That's it. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Matt, playing Gamecube: When the fuck is the Wii coming out?

Suddenly, the screen blacked out.

Matt: Fuck! Power outage.

The screen suddenly light up and a black circle appeared in front of a white screen.

Black Circle: Are you ready?

Matt: For what?

Black Circle: Whatever.

A giant vortex appeared on the screen, sucking everything in the room in.

Matt, gripping: Come on! It's my vacation! I already got sucked into a TV in The Ring's universe.

Matt was then sucked inside the TV and landed in the middle of a jungle.

Matt: What the fuck?

A bunch of kids walked by at that moment.

Tall one: Hey, you. Do you have a digimon?

Matt: Digi-what?

Tall one: Never mind, you can't join us. You know where Fire Village is?

Matt, pointing left: There.

Tall one: Thanks.

Matt, smiling: Your welcome!

About 5 minutes after they were out of Matt's sight he heard screams of blood curdling terror.

Matt: Oops. Must have been left. Dumbasses!

Matt then walked to the right. He eventually found a small white blob with eyes.

E-mon: Hi! I'm E-mon! Will you be my friend?

Matt: Maybe, hold still.

Matt then took out the Yang Yo-yo.

Matt: YANG YO-YO!

Matt then swung the yo-yo, creating a rift in space which he pushed E-mon through.

Matt: YANG YO-YO!

Matt swung the yo-yo again, which a black blob with eyes came out of.

E-mon: I'm am E-mon! Bow before my power!

Matt: Much better! I hate that fucking goody two shoes bit!

E-mon: Really? I hate that too!

Matt: Want to be partners in crime?

E-mon: Fuck yeah! But don't you need a digivice?

Matt: Fuck! Oh well, I'll worry about that later.

E-mon: I think that's kind of important.

Matt: WELL NO ONE FUCKING ASKED YOU!

E-mon: Yes master,... hey wait...

Matt: Too late! You already said it!

E-mon: God damn mother fucker!

With that. Matt and E-mon went on their way to find Matt a digivice.

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Hey, I started writing this because I was tired of writing If I were a Smasher so I took a break, so REVIEW! I like pie! Meeps! 


	2. Chapter 2

Matt here: I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and E-mon.

Matt and E-mon were looking for Matt's digivice.

Matt, looking under a rock: Can't I just buy one?

E-mon: Uh,... no! FUCKING DUMBASS!

Matt: Fine! What do I need a digivice for anyway?

E-mon: So you can allow me to digivolve!

Matt: That's it! Screw that! I have connections!

Matt then took out his cell phone.

Matt: Uh-huh, ...yeah, ...no black,... Can I have weapons installed,... No,... They have to be unlocked? Fuck,... so, I have to enslave digimon?... Can't I just kill them?... DIGIMON CAN'T DIE! WHAT THE FUCK!... whatever I'll take it.

Matt the closed is cell phone.

E-mon: What the fuck was that about?

Matt: I called the author and asked where it was.

E-mon: ... HOW THE FUCK?

Matt: Your in my world now! Get used to it!

E-mon: Ooookkkkk, so, where is it?

Matt: Yeah, I don't get one, the digidestioned took them all.

E-mon: So I'm gonna be a In-Training digimon for my whole life?

Matt: Either that or I become a digimon poacher.

E-mon: And that is...

Matt: You know the digimon emperor?

E-mon: YEAH! He was a role model to evil digimon around the world!

Matt: Well, kind of like him, except with a cool weapon/PDA thing.

E-mon: Basically a dark digivice?

Matt: ... well if you want to ruin all the poetry.

E-mon: No, I want to fucking digivolve! I'm tired of being a fucking blob!

Matt: Fine! It will get here in 6-8 minutes!

E-mon: By what?

Matt:... FedEx.

E-mon: WE'LL BE HERE FOR HOURS!

Matt: Sorry.

Suddenly, a digimon wearing a grey suit and a red bow tie jumped out from behind a bush.

Digimon: I am Pee-WeeHermanmon! The creepy adult digmon!

Matt: Uh, that's E-mon. The evil blob digimon.

Pee-WeeHermanmon: Die! BAD TOUCH BLAST!

Pee-WeeHermanmon then shot his hand out at Matt's crotch.

Matt: E-mon! Shadow Bubble!

E-mon: SHADOW BUBBLE!

E-mon then shot a black bubble out that hit Pee-WeeHermanmon, blowing him up instantly.

Matt: Yay! We won!

E-mon: How the hell did you know my attack?

Matt, pulling the script: It's right here, after Pee-WeeHermanmon says "BAD TOUCH BLAST!"

E-mon: Script?

Matt: Uh,... LOOK! My digivice is here!

At that second a FedEx truck pulled up next to Matt.

FedEx Clone: Package for... MATT.

Matt: That's me.

FedEx Clone, holding a clipboard: Sign here...

Matt: Ok, Matth... I"M NOT GIVING YOU MY MIDDLE NAME!

Matt then took out a katana and chopped off the FedEx Clone's head.

Matt, opening the package: Let's se my digivice!...

Matt held a device in his hand that looked suspiciously like a black Gameboy SP on a 90 degree angle.

Matt: Man, nintendo's gonna sue digimon's ass off!

E-mon: Try it out!

Matt: Ok, but shouldn't I read the instruction manual first?

E-mon, using Shadow Bubble: There! Now there's no manual, let's go!

Matt: How?

E-mon: I don't know, point it at me and press a button.

Matt: Ok.

Matt then pressed a button, which caused a rope of energy to come out and lassoed E-mon.

E-mon: GET THIS THING FUCKING OFF ME!

Matt: Sorry!

Matt pressed the button again, retracting the rope with E-mon on it, into the digivice. E-mon appeared on the screen inside.

E-mon: GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Matt: Fine, I get it now.

Matt then scrolled down until he got to the "Release" command. He pressed the button, releasing him.

E-mon: Now digivole me.

Matt: Fine! I'll just press this other button that says Digivole is big bold letters.

E-mon: ... I fucking hate you, dude!

Matt then pressed the button, shooting a beam of light at E-mon.

E-mon: E-mon digivoles to... Darkmon.

In E-mons place stood a small black chao-looking creature with horns and a devil tail.

Darkmon: Sweet! I rock!

Matt: Awesome! Want to go enslave the digimon population?

Darkmon: Fuck yeah!

With that, Matt and Darkmon went on their journey to rule the world.

(Note: No digimon were harmed in the making of this chapter, except Pee-WeeHermanmon, because he's a gay fag!)

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Nothing much to say, except REVIEW YOU LAZY ASS COCK SUCKING HOMOS! Jesus! I like pie! Meeps! 


	3. Chapter 3

Matt here: I'm not gonna digivole for another few chapters, because I'm going by how it took a while for them to digivolve in the first season. Also, I'll make fun of the forth season, because I think it sucked! I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and E-mo... I mean Darkmon.

Matt and Darkmon were heading towards Fire Village.

Matt: So, shouldn't I have black towers or something?

Darkmon: No! That was the Digimon Emperor's thing! You got to come up with your own stuff?

Matt: Can I still use those kickass black collars that make digimon do my bidding?

Darkmon: I think you need a crest for that?

Matt: How the fuck do I do that?

Darkmon: You prove that you are powerful in that trait.

Matt: But the Digimon Emperor had kindness, and he enslaved digimon?

Darkmon: Well, the Digimon Emperor isn't evil anymore!

Matt: Damn, so, why are we going to Fire Village?

Darkmon: One digimon does not a revolution make. We need some followers, so we're gonna try and recruit some evil fire digimon.

Matt: LIKE SKULLGREYMON?

Darkmon: Maybe an Agumon, it only a village, we'd be lucky if we found mostly rookies.

Matt: Damn, but gotta start some where!

Matt and Darkmon then walked until they reached Fire Village.

Matt: It's fucking hot!

Darkmon: No dip, R-tard!

Matt, sad: I'm not an r-tard. (Yes, I saw the new South Park.)

The two then walked into the nearby bar.

Matt, wearing a cowboy hat: I'm look'n fer the baddest of the bad digimon!

C-crestmon: I'm a pretty bad boy!

Matt: DARKMON! SHADOW FLAME!

Darkmon: Shadow Flame!

Darkmon shot out a black fireball at C-crestmon, the hidden in the closet digimon, knocking him out instantly.

Matt, running out of the bar: IT WAS A FUCKING GAY BAR!

Darkmon: I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know?

Matt, pointing to the sign: It was called "Butt Pirates V.S. Ass Ninjas: The Ultimate Battle!"

Darkmon: ...Uh,... I'm Darkmon! The Evil Digimon!

Matt: Hahahahaha! I win!

Darkmon: Screw it! Let's try a different bar.

Matt and Darkmon then set out to find a non-gay bar. Really,... I'M SERIOUS!

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Nothing much to say, but REVIEW YOU LAZY ASS PIECE OF SHIT READERS! Or do want to be like my lazy ass friend Pat, who never updates! I like pie! Meeps! 


	4. Chapter 4

Matt here: I just wanted you to remember to REVIEW! Jeeze. You guys are fucking lazy! Only 3 fucking reviews! Anyway, I tried to put some action into this chapter because I'm in a violent mood today, SO FUCK OFF OR I'LL RIP YOU FUCKING NUTS OFF AND SHOVE THEM UP YOU ASS! I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and Darkmon.

Matt and Darkmon were own there way to a real bar.

Matt, sitting at the counter: Hey, who the fuck are you?

Bartendermon: Hi, I'm Bartendermon, the Depressed Irish Digimon. What's your poison?

Matt: I'll take a shot of Tequila.

Bartendermon: If you want one of those fruity drinks, there's a gay bar down the street.

Matt: Fine, I'll take a beer.

Bartendermon: YOU CAN"T HAVE A BEER! THIS IS A KID'S SHOW!

Matt: No it isn't, it's a M-rated fanfic.

Bartendermon: What?

Darkmon: Just give us two fucking beers!

Bartendermon, handing over the beers: Whatever you say.

Matt and Darkmon then shotgunned their beers.

Matt: How much do we owe you?

Bartendermon: 2,000 Digi.( I don't know what their currency is, so I'm making it up! Meeps!)

Darkmon, spit taking his beer: 2,000 DIGI! ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?

Matt, looking disappointed a Darkmon: Dude, you wasted beer. What the fuck?

Darkmon, looking at the beer stain on his black jeans(Yes, he wears jeans.): WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Darkmon then ripped off Bartendermon's head and shoved it up his ass, using the blood to make some vegetarian friendly Bloody Marys.

Hippiemon: I, Hippiemon, the stoned nut job digimon, love these things!

Matt: Isn't blood meat?

Hippiemon: Shit!

Hippiemon then exploded into a million pieces. Suddenly a strange digimon walked up to Matt.

---mon: Hi, I'm Pyromon, the tiny ember digimon. I like your style, can I join up with you?

Matt: Sure, just a second.

Matt then took out his dark digivice and shot out the energy whip, which sucked him inside.

Pyromon: What the fuck?

Matt, pressing buttons: Hold on, I'm upgrading you.

Matt slowly turned the small fireball of a digimon darker, so instead of being yellow and red, he was grey and black. He also got some kickass devil wings. Matt then shot him out of his dark digivice.

Pyromon: I'm Pyromon, the kickass fire digimon! How the fuck are you?

Matt: Awesome! We've have a fire digimon on our team! Wait,... now what do we do?

Darkmon: Now, we go enslave a fire village.

Matt: Like this one?

Pyromon: This wouldn't get anyone's attention, this is a thieves town.

Darkmon, unfolding a map: We need to attack here! At the Agumon Village!

Matt: SKULLGREYMON!

Darkmon: No! But, we will piss off the digidestioned.

Matt: Yeah, I killed them.

Darkmon: WHEN?

Matt: First chapter.

Pyromon: Great! They're just gonna get more!

Darkmon: Yeah, you deuce! Now we're screwed!

Matt: Won't it take time to get more?

Pyromon: So?

Matt: We could use that time to establish some territory!

Darkmon: SWEET! We might be able to take over Fire Capital before the new ones get here!

Matt: SKULLGREYMON?

Darkmon: Shut the fuck up! That's Molten Graveyard!

Matt: God damn mother fucker! Hey hold on, I gotta take my anger out on something.

Pyromon: Whatever, me and Darkmon will be waiting just outside of town.

Matt: Ok. SWORD MODE!

Matt held his dark digivice and it morphed into a kickass black sword with that kind of black trimming that just makes it look cool. He then ran around slicing buildings and digimon into bits, he was about to kill the last one when a digimon stopped him.

Sherifmon: Whelp, I reckon you did a plum good job, but did you have to flatten the city? Oh, well, this place was going to hell anyway. I'm here to say you're now a member of the DPA!

Matt: I don't want to protect the Digiworld!

Sherifmon, drawing his pistol: I wasn't asking.

Matt, wielding his sword: It's on!

Sherifmon shot off a round, which Matt blocked easily.

Sherifmon, taking out his communicator: I must alert the DPA!

Matt, charging toward him: We can't have that, can we?

Matt then sliced off Sherifmon's cock and shoved it down his throat.

Matt: Let's see you talk now!

Matt then walked outside of town.

Darkmon: Ready?

Matt: Let's go!

Matt: Darkmon, and Pyromon set out for the Agumon Village.

Meanwhile,...

Sherifmon, spitting out his cock: We've got... a... problem.

Sherifmon then coughed up some blood and died.

----mon, on the other side of the line: Sherifmon! Sherifmon are you there? SHERIFMON!

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I killed Sherifmon! Yay! What? You say my story is developing a plot? Your crazy! Only stories I try on have plots! Maybe it's because your comparing it to my Smash Person (Damn political correctness!) fic, which has no plot. Or does it, read that one to find out. Also, press that little button right below this, it gives you free candy! I like pie! Meeps! 


	5. Chapter 5

Matt here: I just wrote this to kill time until Avatar: The Last Airbender came on, so enjoy, also REVIEW!

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Disclaimer: I don't anything in this fanfic, except Matt and Bartendermon.

Matt and company were on their way toward the Agumon Village.

Matt: Are we there yet?

Darkmon: No! It takes at least one episode to get to a new destination!

Pyromon: But this is a fanfic?

Darkmon: One chapter then!

Pyromon: Fine!

At that moment a little grey square with legs ran out from under a bush.

Darkmon: Who the fuck are you?

----mon: I'm PlotTwistmon, the annoying piece of shit digimon!

PlotTwistmon ate a berry, which caused him to spin around.

PlotTwistmon: PlotTwistmon digivoles to PlotHolemon!

PlotHolemon, a bigger grey square with arms and legs, jumped up and grabbed the script out of Matt's hands and started eating it.

Matt: No! If he eats the script! The plot will begin to skip ahead!

Darkmon: Your...

Matt and company were on top of a mountain.

Darkmon: ...a genius!

Matt: Y-u ha-e to bea- him be-ore he d-str-ys the wh-le wo-ld!

Darkmon: He's a cha-pion, so we h-ve to fi-ht wi-h an-ther cham-ion.

Matt, holding digivice: Good idea!

Matt pressed a button on the digivice which shot out two beams of dak light for some reason. The beams hit both Darkmon and Pyromon.

Darkmon +Pyromon: Darkmon +Pyromon fusion digivoles to Hokagemon. (Note: Nothing to do with Naruto, Ho Fire KageShadow)

Hokagemon was like a taller, thinner version of Darkmon with kickass red-flame patterned armor.

PlotHolemon: I have the script! You can't win!

Hokagemon, lighting his fist with black fire: Time for a rewrite! SHADOW FLAME FIST!

Hokagemon's fist hit PlotHolemon, causing him to burst into flames, along with the script.

Hokagemon: Oh no! I destroyed the script! This universe no longer exist!

Matt: Hey, retard! This is a fanfic! The script doesn't contain the universe, just what we say and do!

Hokagemon: Oh, then why was it such a big deal?

Matt: It wasn't, we just needed to waste a shit ass chapter before the Agumon Village.

Hokagemon: Well, at least we killed another digimon.

Hokagemon the de-digvolved back into Dark and Pyromon, and Matt and company went on their way.

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Go on, press the button, it gives you free candy, and sometimes money! You know your curious! I like pie! Meeps! 


	6. Chapter 6

Matt here: Nothing much to say, but... uh... I really have nothing to say. SO REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in fanfic, except Matt and... FABLE ROCKS!

Matt and company were at the giant metal gates of the Agumon Village.

Matt: How the fuck are we supposed to get in?

Darkmon: I have an idea!

Darkmon then knocked on the door, causing a ToyAgumon to pop his head out of a hole.

Darkmon: Can we come in?

ToyAgumon: No one see's the wizard! No way, no why, no how!

Matt: How much crack have you been smoking?

ToyAgumon: ONLY 10 GRAMS! ...a minute.

Matt, pushing Darkmon out of the way: I'll take care of this!

ToyAgumon: YOU CAN'T COME IN! Your not an Agumon!

Matt: Are you?

ToyAgumon: I'M AN AGUMON!

Matt: Uh-hu, sure you are.

ToyAgumon, jumping out of the hole: I'll prove it to you! Fight me!

Pyromon, chuckling: I can not believe he just did that!

ToyAgumon: What do you mean?

Darkmon: It was obviously a trap!

ToyAgumon: What do you mean?

Matt: Well, for starters, you left the doors open!

ToyAgumon: Well, I'm blocking the doors! So you have to get past me!

Matt: We already are!

ToyAgumon: But, I see you right in front of me!

Matt: Or do you?

Matt, Darkmon, and Pyromon all fell to the ground, reveling that they were cardboard cutouts.

ToyAgumon: Wha...

Matt had then shot ToyAgumon in the back of the head with a chicken, that, for some reason, exposed his fractal code.

ToyAgumon: But... how?

Matt, dark digivice in scanning mode: It's my story bitch! Get used to it!

Matt then scanned up ToyAgumon's data, and the empty shell to melt in the nearby lava.

Pyromon: Why did we need his data?

Matt, heroic pose: I don't know!

Darkmon: Just make the fucking disguises before I hurt you!

Matt, pressing a button: Fine, poopyhead!

Matt, Darkmon, and Pyromon were instantly made to look like ShadowToyAgumon.

Matt: Awesome! We don't have those fucking fruity colored bricks!

Pyromon: AH! I have legs! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Darkmon: I am so missing my old body!

Matt: It's not that bad.

Darkmon: YOU WERE A HUMAN!

Matt: That's specie-ist.

Darkmon: What have I told you about making up words?

Matt, depressed: Our cheap-ass author, bless the very crap he writes, doesn't have the money to pay off Webster.

Darkmon: Exactly! Now come on! We've got a world to start conquering!

Matt and company then started there way into the Agumon Village.


	7. Chapter 7

Matt here: Haven't updated this story in a while, so I thought I would. I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this chapter, except Matt and PlotHolemon. 

Matt and company were traveling through the Agumon Village disguised as ShadowToyAgumon.

Matt, doing his happy dance: Oh yeah! I'm a digimon! Oh yeah! I'm a digimon!

Darkmon: For god sake! Shut the fuck up! Your attracting attention!

A crowd of Agumon starring suddenly turned away.

Pyromon: This body sucks! It looks like an evil three year-old's art project!

Suddenly, an Agumon wearing a police uniform appeared.

PoliceAgumon: Halt! What are you colored Agumon doing in the normal Agumon area? Go back to your said area!

Matt: Ok officer.

PoliceAgumon, pulling out a walkie-talkie: Digimon resisting arrest! CALLING IN BACK-UP!

Several PoliceAgumon ran over and beat the shit out of Matt, Darkmon, and Pyromon.

Matt: Ow! I haven't been in this much police brutality since the LPD episode of Cops!

They regained consciousness inside a cage, surrounded by other ToyAgumon.

Darkmon: We have to escape this hell hole!

Pyromon: Yeah, but how?

Matt, currently titty fucking one of the hotter female ToyAgumon: It's not that bad.

Darkmon: FOR GOD'S SAKE! STAY FOCUSED!

Pyromon: I was unaware that ToyAgumon had titties with which to fuck.

Matt, zipping up his pants: Ya, that's one of life's mysteries.

Darkmon, jaw dropped: WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU IN DISGUISE?

Matt: Huh? Oh, yeah, apparently the disguise fades during sex.

Darkmon: Just great now the guards will come and say...

Guards: HOLY FUCK! THERE'S A FUCKING HUMAN IN THE CAGE!

Darkmon, pulling off the disguise: Shit! Looks like we're gonna have to fight our way out!

Pyromon: Yeah, we're gonna have to fusion digivolve?

Matt: Uh, one problem with your theory.

Darkmon: What?

Matt: That was a trial option, that cost 3,000,000 credits for the real deal. (Yeah, I found out the true currency.)

Darkmon: 3...3 mil...million credits?! (yeah, stuttering don't work too well with numbers.)

Matt: Want me to digivolve you two separately?

Darkmon: I guess.

Matt, holing out his digivice: DARKMON DIGIVOLVE! PYROMON DIGIVOLVE!

Two beams of light shot out of the digivice and hit both digimon.

Darkmon: Darkmon digivolve to...

Pyromon: Pyromon digivolve to...

Darkmon: Kagemon!

There stood a human size, skinnier version of Darkmon, with a longer tail, wielding a katana.

Pyromon: ShadowAgumon!

There stood a black version of Agumon, you couldn't get that from the name? What are you? Retarded?

Matt: HE WAS ONLY IN-TRAINING LEVEL?!

Kagemon: So we're stuck with a human, a rookie, and a champion against an entire village of Agumon?

Matt: Considering that human is me, we got a pretty good shot!

Pyromon: Is it just me, or are the guards taking there time to bust in here?

Matt: No, that's just an illusion created by causing you to read the descriptive sentences, when in reality, that only took a few seconds?

Pyromon: Huh?

Matt: Quick! He's on too us! Send in the guards now!

The crowd of GuardAgumon swarmed into the cage.

Matt, holding out his digivice: SWORD MODE!

The group of three proceeded to kick so much GuardAgumon ass that the blood actually stained Kagemon's white t-shirt that said "Heartbreak" on it bright red. (That shirt would be AWESOME!)

Matt, licking the blood off his sword: This is gonna be one hell of a hostile take over!

Kagemon, licking the sweat off his arm: It'll be a good work out!

ShadowAgumon, licking chocolate off his claws: Chocolate is yummy!

Matt: Where'd you get chocolate?

ShadowAgumon: NO! You just want to steal my yumminess!

Matt: Dude, I don't even like chocolate!

ShadowAgumon: Oh, I don't know, then. I just found it there after we killed all of those GuardAgumon.

Kagemon: Weren't you Hell's Punch-ing them up the ass?

ShadowAgumon, licking off the brown substance: Your point?

Matt and Kagemon just stared at each other.

Matt: Uh, Nothing.

Kagemon: Let's go attack the Chief's Hut!

Matt: Hellz Ya!

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Nothing much to say, except REVIEW! Or I won't write! Well, I'd still write, but it won't be any good! So Ha! Mwhahahahaha! I like pie! Meeps!


	8. Chapter 8

Matt here: Well, I wrote another chapter, so be gateful! Just review and I'll be happy! I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and some yummy pie! 

Matt and company were slashing through crowds of various Agumon.

Matt, sword drenched in blood: How many more do we have to kill?

Kagemon, slicing through a MerchantAgumon: We're almost there, it's that big building up ahead!

ShadowAgumon: Awesome!

The three burst through the crowd blocking the door and landed in an empty room.

Matt, looking around: There's no one in here.

ShadowAgumon: IDIOT! DON'T SAY THAT!

Matt: Why the fuck not?

ShadowAgumon: Because the second you do someone always appears!

Matt: That never happens!

All, waiting expectantly: ...

Matt: See!

ShadowAgumon: Guess I was wro...

---mon: Uh, can't fit through... shrinking trap door... uh!

Suddenly, what appeared to be a massive tan water balloon filled with lard fell from the ceiling, and created a crater in the ground.

---mon: I'm Patmon, the fatass who loves to anal fuck digimon!

Kagemon: I'm Kagemon! The Hellbent Samurai Digimon!

ShadowAgumon: I'm ShadowAgumon, the extremely long named digimon!

Matt: I'm Matt! The Lover of Cat Girls!

Kagemon, starring at Matt: Your not a digimon! You don't have to do it!

Matt: Well, why do you have to do it?

Kagemon: I don't know! It's a urge, like you and your cat girl fetish!

Matt: ... I have no response to that!

Patmon: Hello! Guard blocking your path over here!

Matt, throwing ShadowAgumon: Shut the fuck up!

ShadowAgumon slammed strait into Patmon's nuts, sending him toppling in pain.

Kagemon, clearly surprised: Wow, I surprised at your accuracy with a living creature! I mean, to hit a target **THAT SMALL** is a truly miraculous feat!

Patmon, rolling on the ground: OH GOD WHY! OWWWWW! OWWWWWWWWW!

Matt: Well, I'm just that awesome! Come on, we got a chief to kill! Come on, ShadowAgumon!

ShadowAgumon, rubbing his head: Fine, as long as I can get a shorter name, It's fucking annoying to keep spelling it out!

Matt: How about Shag!

ShadowAgumon: I'm not be named after a synonym for a vagina!

Kagemon: How about Slade?

ShadowAgumon: Now there's a name I like!

Suddenly, a giant white box appeared on the screen.

Box: ShadowAgumon has been nicknamed "Slade"!

Matt: HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Kagemon: I don't know, but let's leave this place. NOW!

With that, Matt, Kagemon, and Slade stepped over Patmon, still rolling on the ground holding his nuts like a pussy, but seriously, that fucking hurts. You chicks are just gonna have to trust me, getting hit in the nuts HURTS LIKE HELL!


	9. Chapter 9

Matt here: Sory this is late, but my Microsoft Word decided to be a bitch and die on me, so I had to screw with some computer stuff... I like pie! Meeps!

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and a delicious pot pie!

Matt and company busted through the door to the chief's chambers, shattering the door in the process.

Matt: Ok! Hand over the Agumon Village or die!

ChiefAgumon: Guards! Attack them!

Two GuardAgumon charged at our heros... wait... maybe they're villains... huh...

Kagemon, slicing them I two: Hell Slash!

Matt: Now, let us fight in a epically long boss fight consisting of 3000 plus words!

ChiefAgumon: Uh... you are aware that I'm just an elected official, and not the strongest Agumon in the village, right?

Kagemon: What? I thought the village chief was chosen in a tournament consisting of all the Village residents.

ChiefAgumon: No, that's just a myth. Like Werewolves or Paris Hilton having talent.

Matt: Damn... so... do we have to kill you, or will you just sign over the village and pledge your eternal loyalty to the Matt Empire!

Kagemon suddenly dedegivolved back into Darkmon.

Darkmon: Matt Empire? Are you fucking retarded? I thought we were the Darkmon Kingdom?

Slade: WTF? I thought for sure we were Slade Republic?

Matt and Darkmon just starred.

Matt: There are 3 things wrong with that. 1.) We just gave you the name Slade, like, a minute ago.

Darkmon: 2.) You are not a member of the original team.

Matt: and 3.) Were evil, we're not gonna do a republic! I propose we call ourselves the Shadow Rebellion.

Darkmon: Well, I admit it has a ring to it, but what about when we rule?

Matt: Who the fuck cares? We'll deal with that when it happens!

Darkmon: Whatever... wait, where the hell did the Chief go?

At that second ChiefAgumon was sneaking out the door.

Matt: Not so fast!

Matt quickly picked up Slade and chucked him at the Cheif, bringing his hitpoints to 1.

ChiefAgumon: Agu, Agu! MON!

Matt, now wearing a red hat: Go DarkDigivice Beam Capture!

Matt held out his DarkDigivice which shot out a lasso, catching ChiefAgumon and sucking him in.

Matt, walking out the door: Now, to leave and take out the rest of the Land of Fire!

Matt then immediatly ran back inside.

Matt: HOLY FUCK! We're surrounded!

Darkmon: Shit! How are we gonna get out of this!

Slade: Well, I have a plan...

Matt: Does it involve chipmunks?

Slade: No...

Matt: Then your plan is crap! Let's use my plan! You remember the movie Weekend At Bernie's?

Darkmon: No, movies don't exist in the Digital World.

Matt: Oh, how about we just turn the Chief evil and enslave the village then?

Darkmon: Fine, you turn him evil and pursuade the villagers to join our side, and Slade and I will start contruction of the Dark Tower.

Matt: I thought I couldn't use those?

Darkmon: Yeah, well, they were just so freakin' cool!

Matt: How about I use Dark Spikes that stab into the back of the spine and slowy permenently evilfy them?

Darkmon, sobbing: That was, just, so beutiful... well, we'll contrust those while you work on persuading the public.

Darkmon and Slade sneaked out to the roof and went out to steal buiding supplies. Matt then quickly bloackaded the door to stop the mob outside and sat in the throne while making his evil super chief.

1 hour later...

Matt: Done! Now come out D-mon!

A tiny black Digimon who was basically a head with legs and arms appeared in front of him.

D-mon: What do you wish, my master?

Matt, pointing to the tied up Chief: Yeah, take over his body and persuade the villagers to build a tower in my honor.

D-mon: I have to get into THAT wrinkled old thing?

Matt: ARE YOU DEFING YOUR CREATOR?

D-mon: NO SIR!

With that the D-mon crawled into the body and went outside. In the background Matt could here the sound of BuilderAgumon complaining.

Matt, sitting back in the throne thinking: Man, this pad kicks the ass of Fort Ticonderoga's ass! (REALLY Bad Revolutionary War reference)

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OK, Now REVIEW YOU LAZY MOTHER FUCKERS!


	10. Chapter 10

Matt here: I'm gonna be honest with you. This chapter isn't that funny, but it's sadly needed in order to explain why Pat and Brogan are the new digidestion ... oh shit... that hasn't happened yet... uh... forget I said anything. I like pie! Meeps! P.S. If you don't review, I shall rape your fist born daughter on the eve of her twelfth birthday, so you better review.

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fanfic, except Matt and my happy dance.

Time-18:00- Location: The Order Headquarters- Universe: Classified

The room was very dark, the only light to be seen either came from the door behind them or the cigarette of the man across the desk from them, which failed at illuminating his face. Pat and Brogan had been called into the office during lunch.

"Welcome Agent Brogan, Codename:Sugar Kitten, Knight Class, and Agent... uh..." started the man, before he had to pick up a cue card "... Pat, Codename:The Shadow General, Rook Class. We have a mission for you. It appears that idiot took a vacation a month ago, and didn't return. We know he's in the Digimon universe, so we'll be sending you there with Agent Cobaka, Codename:Lighting Fang, Knight Class. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir" said Pat and Brogan in unison, trying to avoid coughing from the smoke filling the tiny room.

"Then get the fuck out of my office." yelled the man.

Pat and Brogan scurried out leaving the man alone. He proceeded to take a long drag off of his cigarette.

"... I don't get it, why is he so important that you need to send two knights after him?" said the man, seemingly to no one.

"He would be a valuable asset to our cause. We can bend him to our will and use him as a tool." said a disembodied voice.

"And if he doesn't bend?" asked the man.

"If we created him, then we can destroy him." replied the voice.

Meanwhile, in the Agumon village...

Matt, Darkmon, and Slade playing cards as a team of IllegalImmigrantmon were almost done building a giant black tower outside the window.

"Anyone else ticked off that this is our only appearance this chapter?" said Matt, laying down a 2 of Hearts and clearing the pile, to which he place a 5 in place of.

"Eh kind of, but it's important to the plot, or some shit like that." said Darkmon, placing down an 8.

"President!" yelled Slade as he placed down his final card.

"How the fuck?" question Matt, not caring that the conversation would not be finished before the point of view switched.

Meanwhile, at the Portal Room...

The cake is a lie!

The cake is a lie!

The cake is a lie!

The cake is a lie!

The cake is a lie!

Meanwhile, at the room with a portal in it...

"Agent Pat and Agent Brogan, reporting for duty, sir!" said Pat, saluting Agent Cobaka.

"At ease, we got some stuff to take care of first." replied Cobaka, taking two small boxes out of his coat. "Inside of these boxes are digivices, we'll need them in order to use the environment to our advantage."

Pat and Brogan opened up their boxes, causing Brogan to let a giggle slip out, and Pat to laugh his fat fucking ass off.

"What? What's so funny?" asked Cobaka, snatching away Pat's box and looking inside to see a picture of him covering his ass in peanut butter with a pack of male dogs behind him. "Oh... shit... I kept the digivices in my pants' pockets..."

Cobaka then gave the two laughing agents their digivices, while taking back those pictures and burning them.

"Now, we just have to go into the Digital World and get our digimon!" said Cobaka, turning to face the portal.

"Will me get candy?" asked Pat.

"Maybe... if you're good." replied Cobaka as he hopped trough the portal.

"You know... we could just stay behind... and... you know... right here and now." perved Pat.

"Hmm..." answered Brogan, thinking. "... ok... how about I forget you said that, and I don't rip your nuts off and shove them so far up your ass that the next time you vomit you'll vomit all over you nuts."

Pat just starred silently at her for a while until he asked "So is that a yes, or ... OH DEAR GOD MY NUTS! THIS TECHNICALLY COUNTS AS A HANDJOB NOW!"

Brogan the grabbed Pat by the nuts, picked him up with her pinata strength, and tossed him through the portal, then jumped through herself.

---END OF CHAPTER---


End file.
